I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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