The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
