I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Randomize
