He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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