I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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