I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
