I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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