Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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