I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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