I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
