he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
