You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
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Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
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So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My vagina is officially offended.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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