i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
