I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
