dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
