I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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