Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
People with herpes should wear stickers.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
