Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
