It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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