The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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