He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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