What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
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he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
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I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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