she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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