Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
