My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
