I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
