I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
