I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Michael Bay diarrhea
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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