Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
