end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
