I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
