fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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