I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
