I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
