My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
