The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I have tasted many bathrooms
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
