i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
