just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
