I wish my penis had an off switch
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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