Cold hands, warm shart.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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