Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
