seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
