I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
