Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
