I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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