I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
