Umm I'm too high to move.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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