were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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