did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
