I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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