im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
