Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
being pregnant is like rehab
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
