Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
