Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
