The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
