Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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