i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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